'Consider yourself at home. Consider yourself one of us', so they reckon. Well thanks very much for inviting me to be a part of your network of pickpocketing tramps. I may not have any parents but at least I've got an ASBO.

Speaking of criminals (er, yeah. Sort of), you can find below a recent compeition where part of the prize was to go and live and work in Australia. To think all you'd have to do to attain a life-long version of that in olden times was to nick some bread.

If only I were a kleptomaniac.