Twins: A Hidden Menace

Twins. Creepy as fuck. And not just ‘cos of The Shining. I imagine – and I could be wrong about this – it’s like living with an IRL mirror all the time. Inescapable, knowing exactly what you’re thinking, whether they’re physically there or not. Not that mirrors know what you’re thinking. Do they? Great, that’s another thing for me to worry about. And I only just got over the fact that people in magazines can’t actually see you out of the pages.

So yes, twins. It must fuck them up to only have half the space that normals have before they’re even born. I wouldn’t stand for that. I need room. No way am I sharing to that level, sibling or otherwise. To put it into some kind of context, if my sister tried to steal like one chip off my plate – ever – I’d fucking have her face off. If she were to look even vaguely in my direction whilst I was eating chips, it’d be pepper to the nose to disorientate her, and then whilst she’s reeling from that, stab her in the eyes with my fork and then, as a culinary coup de grĂ¢ce, smear her whole face with English mustard as she lies sobbing and convulsing on the restaurant floor. That way she knows I mean business. That’s the sort of level I’m at. Twins? They’re all about sharing and having a special bond and liking each other and mental shit like that. Fuck off, weirdos. Ok, try and stop me when I get to some normal ones, then (and I mean same-sex, identical ones, by the way. All other types don’t count). Ok, here goes…

Olson, Mary-Kate and Ashley (Skeletal)
Goss, Matt and Luke (Aryan)
Gibb, Robin and Maurice (One of them’s dead. Lame)
de Boer, Frank and Ronald (Cross-eyed)
McWhirter, Ross and Norris (The same Bee Gees problem x 2. Also, racists)
Deal, Kim and Kelley (Drug addicts)
Presley, Elvis and Jesse (Bee Gees problem to the max)
Kray, Ronnie and Reggie (Just horrible cunts. Bee Gees problems)
Bouvier, Patty and Selma (Not actually real)

See? How well did you you do? Not fucking very. Now, the only ones I think I’d even be arsed to give the time of day to are the Alessi twins off Neighbours. I put this down to a) the fact that they got me through a lot of tricky early-evening wanks during the early nineties – I had just started my career and they showed me a lot of support during that difficult time. And b) they once appeared in a PWEI video.

And don’t start trying to tell me that they’re ‘not actually real’. Neighbours was real.

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