Gregg Wallace Funkmaster MouthEyes

Yeah Ok, so this is a bit weird. But are you going to do? He’s kind of an odd looking bloke as it is. Sort of like a hard boiled egg crossed with a fat Louis Theroux. With a mouth diameter the size of the M25. TRAFFIC MANAGEMENT DOESN’T GET MUCH TOUGHER THAN THIS.

I read somewhere (or possibly dreamt) that him and John Torode totally hate each other. Instantly my mind conjured up them in a Mortal Kombat / Street Fighter II two player beat-em-up scenario, smashing shit out of a humungous, mind-blowingly expensive set of kitchens to a 16-bit mono version of the Masterchef theme tune. I suppose the end of level boss would have to be Loyd Grossman. I suspect that if that were the case, when you beat him the animated end sequence would be you travelling through a giant keyhole to David Frost, who sits there like Yoda, dribbling on in broken English (Japanese import cartridge, see) about how you’re the dog now blud or some shit. ‘All your biscuit base are belong to us‘ and suchlike.

Anyway, as borderline retarded as that may all sound, the strangest thing about all of this is that I actually LIKE Masterchef. What are the odds? One, I hate telly. To me, it’s either full of pricks trying to fuck other pricks in Essex or Chelsea or other places I wouldn’t wipe my arse with (partially because the technical aspects of such a concept are pretty much impossible) or full of abhorrent teenagers trying to be the new Saturdays or JLS or Hopscotch Dingleberry Fun-House Pleasure Factory. Who, in case they didn’t know, are actually more offensive than the whole history of the National Socialist Party (despite one of them not actually being real). To that end, I’d rather watch Nick Griffin breakdancing of a Saturday night. As long as he gets a spike in the head at the end. In fact, I’d love to see him coaxed into it by choosing ‘White Lines’ as his dance music. The look on his face when he realises it’s Grandmaster Flash*. He’d probably hate that more than the spike / head thing.

Anyway, Two, I particularly hate cookery on telly. What’s the point? Like you can reach into the TV and grab some of it to eat. I mean, the person commenting on the food: do they like what I like, or no? It’s like watching Top of the Pops with the sound off. ‘Hey, did you see Napalm Death on TOTP last night?’…’Yeah, they looked awesome. I wonder what they SOUNDED like.’ And I suppose that’s the point. As long as it looks alright, the public will swallow it. Well, Gregg Wallace will. I think there’s room enough in there for the whole entertainment industry.

I hope that clears everything up.

* I know it’s not, but everyone thinks it is, so fuck it. Keep the myth going, I say.

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