Peruvian Banquet

It’s almost an involuntary reaction. You get a new camera and you instantly have to get to the nearest available animal and take a picture of it. Either that or your cock, if you’ve got one. If you haven’t, try your tits instead. If you’ve got both, you must be the luckiest person in the world. Yeah. Definitely. Like Cher’s daughter who is now her son. I can’t work out whether he just kept the tits or went through the whole trauma of lopping the tits off and then regrowing them via the ‘Fat Bloke’ method. Props if he did that.

Anyway, and sorry to disappoint you, but this is a fragment of the 0.01% of internet that isn’t actually about tits. So, the nearest animal was Emo the guinea pig, so he served as the, er, guinea pig for my inaugrual camera usage. And here he is, dicking about, squeaking and generally getting scared for absolutely no reason. This is despite the numerous times I’ve assured him that I’m not ever going to just pick him up, pan-fry him with garlic and whack him in a bun. Having not eaten any meat for about 10 years, I’m hardly going to get re-involved with the format utilising the meat of the guinea pig. I’d be hitting something at the pinnacle of carnivorous culinary excellence like a Peperami or a chicken Zinger Tower burger. Or just second hand liver sausage out of a bin. Which, as a side note, is called ‘Devon‘ in Australia. Devon? At least America steals our place names and uses them for what they are.

Forget all that. So, if I happened to be from Peru, I’d be all over him like make-up on Katy Perry‘s face. But then if I happened to be from Peru I’d probably not be writing this and instead be composing something about how anyone from Chile is a wanker on a charango. Or panpipes. Really, though, how much meat is on a guinea pig? The one we’ve got is doing his best to be a chubster (rocket is so fattening, after all) but you’re looking at maybe a curry and a half. Or if scoffed like a meat-on-the cob, you’ve basically just got a snack. And that’s hardly cost-effective, is it?

Honestly, I am vegetarian.

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